Monday, 29 September 2008

Bullyin People While You Sleep Is Funny

As you can no doubt tell from my previous posts I'm a really nice person, not prone to random acts of violence at all. but the other day I had a dream, which ended up makin me laugh so much I actually woke up laughing, like how you can wake up screaming from a nightmare, but, well backwards. No doubt by now your all shouting one of two things "Please tell us the story!" or more likely "Shut up, for gods sake!". For the Minority of people who actually want to hear my story, read on.

So, anyway, I was like at this party with a bunch of people I knew way back at high school and well, I can't stand the people I knew way back at high school, apparently my sub conscious agrees with me on this as the moment I arrived at this party I went to si
t at the bar and started flinging eggs over my head to see which random people I could hit, which was great fun I have to say (Try this at home kids!). Sadly as with all things, I ran out of eggs and resigned to enjoying my drink, but this growing love between myself and my drink was interrupted just before I asked it back to my place by two guys I used to kinda get on with, one sat either side of me and begun chatting about old times. Before long I'd drowned them out and gone back to getting comfortable with my drink and started playing with my lighter. After a while the background noise from these two idiots chatting by my side gets a bit much so I come up with a brilliant plan that could only work in a dream, I started gently started fanning the flame of my lighter making it grow and start leaning towards the guy to my left, already a smirk grew on my face as he chatted on unaware of the snake of flame heading towards him, an then just when I could bare the wait no more, the Snake of fire bit into his sleeve and set his arm on fire. I start giggling to myself mad an think to myself "how hasn't he noticed" then just as I slip my lighter away and grab my drink, the guy to my right bursts out laughing as the left guy notices an starts screaming. I join in laughing as he waves his arm around like a madman... or rather, a man on fire...

This is the point where the miracle happened however, as left-man was still waving his arm about, right-man leaned in towards me and said "oh my god, isn't this just like old times" and I realised "It bloody is!" and I started laughing so hard I woke up continuing laughing like a farmyard animal.

Apology's for the length of that story, I know a rambled abit, but "Lul I dreamt I set some guy on fire" is hardly cause for a post. The point of this is however, that bullying people you used to kinda-bully is funny, so funny in fact you'll wake up laughing. Also notice I was nice enough not to use the names of the people involved, but if your reading this left-guy, stay out of my damn dreams and let me sleep, or I'll set you on fire.

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

This is science

Recently I've been getting increasingly bored of been out of work, and what better to stop you going insane than conducting lab experiments to create freaks of nature to add to your ever growing army of the damned? Now this is only going to be a short post so I'm going to keep information on the process short. Basically I wanted something that could electrocute my enemy's whilst been smart enough to randomly torture people as well, for that added extra comedy value I suppose.

After days of researching animals that are pretty good at electrocuting people and animals that are not stupid enough to be confused by a mirror (Dogs, I hate dog
s) I came down to two options, the first was a combination of a dolphin and an eel, but both of them live under water and people, tend not too. This idea was promptly thrown out along with the dead test subjects. But then I had stroke of genius, two of the worlds cutest animals that would make a brilliant combination, I got straight on the phone to Nintendo who are the worlds biggest battery farmer of one of the animals I needed and ran around my local town stealing the other from old people. The answer was now obvious, the combination of a Pikachu and a Cat, a Pikachu is filled with electric, a Cat filled with an unnatural hatred for mankind, the perfect combination for my experiment.

Now I had my test subjects the process of combining them was a simple matter of trial and error, a placed both animals into a special mechanism which I call a "Vice". The process was gruesome but eventually paid off as once the correct amount of pressure is applied the two animals stop exploding and end up combining into one organism...

How to: Replace someones daughter with Dr. Jack Stewart from Diagnosis Murder

I'm not one to question why exactly you might want to replace someone's daughter with that arse Jack Stewart (Scott Baio) but one day the situation might come about that it needs to be done and when it does I think I'd rather have planned for the situation rather than having to think on me feet.

Now the first step would be to acquire yourself a Dr. Jack Stewart, as without one it would be rather hard to make the swap in the first place, the best way I can think of doing this would be to secretly replace him with some kind of straw filled doll while no ones looking (See below).
Once you have your Dr. Stewart straw doll constructed It's a simple enough matter to make the switch between the two that I don't think I need to explain it, so once you have made the switch and you have in your possession the good Doctor move on to step two...

Okay, step two is the important part, switching your captured TV doctor with someone's daughter, now just to make myself clear here so I don't get locked up for the wrong reasons, I'm talking an adult here not a child, for example if you used this technique to replace me, you'd be still be replacing someone's daughter despite my age! If you use this method to do away with some child it's none of my business so don't come crying to me when someone's parents notice that their 2month old child never actually acted with Dick Van Dyke. So, when replacing (technically kidnapping I suppose) someone's daughter with Scott Baio atleast try to keep the age legal! Right..... Step two, the important part, make sure your TV actor is knocked out cold so he doesn't try to escape or anything, then proceed into the house of your target and, here's the clever bit, replace the daughter with your actor while they sleep, and bang your done. well this is assuming your target actually wanted to come with you in the first place and this whole plan was to harmlessly replace her with someone society wouldn't miss so you could go out for tea, crumpets and boogy all around a lovely pick-a-nic basket filled with wine without her parents noticing.

The optional step three, this step is only here incase you and your daughter of choice arn't planning this swap together and you are infact kidnapping someone, just a couple of simple changes from step two for you really, one, bring what ever you used to knock Baio out with you to knock out the daughter before you carry her away, have a get away car ready, running with someone over your shoulder will probably slow you down, and incase you expect some sort of ransom f
or your deed why not consider attaching a note to your TV Doctor listing your demands.

There you have it whether you are innocently creating a distraction so your mate can come out and play, or kidnapping someone for your own terrible reasons. why not try the Dr. Jack Stewart from Diagnosis Murder method.

Monday, 15 September 2008


I don't have this problem myself as my hair is long enough to drop from a tower in order for a prince to climb up and save me, but someone I know has put this into my head. Dodgy hair, ya know, I can see that the whole bed hair thing is like, cool and everything but I think some people must take it to seriously you know, fair enough make ya hair look like ya just woke up or whatever, but don't make it so its exactly the same everyday, surely the point of bedhair is to like shout from your hair "hey I don't care what you think" or something, but if you are putting in the effort to have your hair exactly the same everyday, everystrand in exactly the same rebelious position, whats the point, you might as well just not bother, cause I can tell, I wont look at you an go "wow cool hair" I'll be all like "god stop trying so hard".

This ain't the same as having a similar style, you know, like having a fringe across the same eye everyday, thats fair enough you know. But how about a fringe across your right eye at exactly 26 degrees from your nose separated into one main clump and to smaller clumps one either side with a 5mm gap between each clump... well you get the idea, its just too much effort and probably requires so much hair goo to keep exactly in place that your hair will be well, gooey anyway. Just please for my sanity don't bother going to so much effort, I will worry you have OCD or something.

Anyway, I think my point is across and you probably think I'm mad, if you didn't already. But I have one more warning for you, if I see you about with your perfectly sculpted hair not a strand of that greasy mess out of place, I'll run up behind you and ruffle up your hair good and proper. Muhahahahahahahaha!

Click for big on the Images.

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

I will not be confused, nor will I dot com

At the moment it seems you cant watch House without tripping over adverts for telling me that if I'm too lazy or stupid to do it myself they will compare .... whatever it is they compare, I'm usually crying to myself or screaming in horror by the time they stop terrorizing and start advertising. Seriously these adverts upset me! Especially the woman above who as you can see leans in towards the camera so much that her head turns into an egg! (see the unedited screenshot above) and the way they talk its like car insurance obsessed zombies. Check the advert out here that gap between 'confused' and 'dot com' thats insurance comparison site zombie talk! and the background props, the ones made out of paper or whatever are all skewed or something, makes the whole scene feel surreal like I'm really drunk or high, when I'm not. I think the closest thing this advert is to is a nightmare, this advert is when you wake up in the morning screaming absolutely terrified but you cant remember why, all you can think of is been chased through a swirly supermarket by lumbering zombies with eggs for heads, with faces drawn on in pen wearing wigs as some sort of egg-insurance-zombie disguise. I can't remember exactly what happens in these nightmares but I'm sure it looked something like this:

Sweet dreams.

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Finally some sort of proof

I just finished watching the new BBC three comedy "The wrong door" which does not deserve a link and as such wont get one. It seems the writers set out on a mission to prove its possible to write 30 minutes worth of sketches without managing to make anything actually watchable. This seems to be the latest in the line of shows trying to capture the internet or emo kid crowd by been as random as possible, kind of how the mighty boosh did I suppose. I won't claim to be some kind of expert on TV but the boosh was as good as it was (I'm talking the earlier stuff, radio shows and first series shown on BBC three) in my opinion because it still had a story, it was randomness with a context

The wrong door just seems to be a normal sketch show with a big enough budget to waste money on computer effects, which I dunno, seems to make it even worse, its like they have put -too- much effort into been random, the whole show ended up coming across as forced. Sorry to rant about something properly, but it needed to be said to stop me going mad.

Oh, just a word of advise to the BBC, if you have too much money going spare how about investing in the -newer- episodes of Family guy? Or well, anything really. If you get chance, sit down and watch your new bbc three show, and then watch one of your panel shows instead Never mind the buzzcocks, mock the week, which probably cost a fraction of the amount to make... which one did you laugh at more? .. I thought so.

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

A Total One Off... Well...

In my continued blitz on this blog during these opening days I present you with an Image I made for B3ta a while ago but never posted as I didn't feel like getting murdered by the sites regular posters for making something sub-par. I love the site and everything, but my continued lack of talent compared to most of the regular posters bothers me too no end. I did this for some random movie poster challenge earlier this year, it took me all of 5 minutes. Enjoy.

Monday, 1 September 2008

That Special Time Of Year

I have drawn you this picture to celebrate your birthday as you seem to be my only fan, I hope you don't take to much offense m'dear.

The Deal With Locust

I've been meaning to write this down for a while, Ya know that game by a little company called Epic, Gears Of War I think its called... Anyway there are these scaly lizard guys called locusts right who live underground in the sewers or something. I've got the exclusive 100% true (Read: Made up) Back story for the little critters. Here we gooooo...

Locust are actually Cats! now before ya hang me listen up, They are all like, underground and stuff right, and hate the human types. I think its cause in the past all the locust ancestors were unwanted pets, flushed into the sewers by their human owners. Over the years and such the bad conditions forced the Cats too evolve and as they did they got smarter and tougher and smarter and angrier at the humans who cast them from their easy lives! Now they fight the evil humans to try and get revenge on them for the centurys of strugle they were forced to suffer, as the humans lived easy lives and slowly forgot about the race of cats they long ago loved as pets.

All is not lost though as the word spreads of the wrong that the humans did so long ago more and more (mostly hippys) people realise the truth and join the Cats on their fight for equality and a right to share the surface with the Humans. Join this cause yourself, show your support for the Cats- as you fight the COG forces online roar your battle cry: Meow at your opponents and show them you wont allow the Cats to go back to the underground sewers where the Humans banished them so long ago!


I'm Sam, this is the reincarnation of my wrist-hug space, it was on a rubbish free-site (741). But because of the number of adverts on that site and the fact that I was planning to update the space alot more than I thought I would, I moved it before I did too much. Below me is all the old stuff I put up to the site worth carrying over ^_^ and above me will be all new stuff, done in the normal style - badly written rants with badly drawn illustrations. If thats your kind of thing, welcome.

Birthday Treats - From Original Site

Typically the best way of staying on my good side on that -special- day of the year, would be to avoid me like the plague and whatever you do dont mention the words 'happy' or 'birthday' as I am likely to breath fire at you. If you do for some reason get the absolute urge to do something for me, I can only offer one hint...

Make me something! Think about it, you have here someone who hates birthdays, the last thing you want to do is buy me some cheap ass card from ASDA or something, why don't ya get ya crayons out and make me a card, people say thats just cheap. I say buying a card is just lazy! if you know someone well enough to want to buy them a birthday gift, why not draw or make something to sum up what that person means to you. and lets be fair if you don't know the person well enough to be able to draw a little picture saying "grats lol its your bday" then WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING BUYIN THEM A CARD IN THE FIRST PLACE... YOU THICK F**K. spend your ill gott
en money on a pack of cigs for yourself instead ya daft sod! so without further ado i present an example this is kind what I'd draw as a picture to myself. Don't you dare print it and send it me as your own work, cause I'll notice.

Moths an Introduction - From Original Site

First a basic explanation as to what is a Moth. A moth is a winged beast that ranges in size from anything as small as a fly up to something roughly the size of a Ford Transit van. Certain experts of the field will disagree with that statement, but they are wrong. Moths tend to head towards the light coming from MMORPG players rooms and will do anything they can to get into the room at which point they will terrorize the poor individual which is particularly bad in the case of the Fordtransitus Mothius, one of the bigger species of moth.

Now that you know what a moth is, its time to learn the important thing here, how to combat a moth. With smaller moths many agree fire is the best weapon to use, While I agree fire certainly kills a moth, the damage it might cause before it dies might make you lean away from its use. A less dangerous but less successful way of dispatching small moths is to let it get caught in netting... As for bigger moths fire is not Recommended as the moth will likely burn your house down before it dies, Instead this expert suggests becoming a master of the blade, while it might sound extreme a sword is the best way of destroying larger moths, some think projectile weapons work well, this is true but the damage to property again calls its use into question.

Wrist-Hugging From Original Site

From old site:

Wrist-hugging is properly preformed when the hugger, leans in towards the huggee's arm as the huggee raises their arm towards the hugger. Proper positioning should be roughly as shown in the first image (Right).
The hugger should embrace the wrist gently and come close to leaning your head on the arm but it is considered improper to actually touch outside of an intimate relationship.

The Huggee however should remain limp wristed throughout the duration of the hug and refrain from any improper action with the hand, their other hand should remain at their side, or possibly on a glass of wine depending on the circumstance. try not to wear any jewelry on the wrist you offer to be hugged to avoid any embarrassing situations. After what is decided as a comfortable time separate, the hugger leans back upright and the huggee lowers their arm. at this time initiate conversation or whatever action the situation calls for.

For more information on Wrist-hugging or if your interested in personal lessons from a trained instructor feel free to contact me via email or my phone number, both of which are not included on this page for your inconvenience. Also direct any work you may have for the artist of the informative illustrations found on this page to the not found above email. Thank you - Sam