Smack Ladle

While I realise this is absolutely nothing like how things actually work, I couldn't help thinking today whether anyone out there deals heroin by the spoon. Example if I was a bit tight on cash but feeling a bit itchy I could go for a tea spoon of smack. If I had had a particularly good day claiming to need a cup of tea at the bus station I might treat myself to a table or soup spoons worth.

Of cause assuming your a reasonably talented thief or people just don't care that your ripping off a charity (Not at all a dig to the less reputable volunteers I may or may not work with) you could always indulge yourself with the godlike smack ladle.



I'm sure you could carry on into small buckets leading up to JCB attachments but that would just be silly.

Ps: Coming soon from WHR the place that brought you the Bee-bra, Hammer Heels and Smack ladle: Penis topper the daft way of dealing with male leakage. (insert obligatory comment about lack of updates here along with an empty promise to update more).

Mork and...

Mindy the name of the assistant manager taking over at the place I sort of work at (not really but its similar enough to that, that I've nicknamed her Mindy). To say she's slow is something of an understatement. To say that she laughs at colours and her ears wiggle when she pulls a gummy smile is perhaps closer.

Anyway I was looking for a picture of Sloth of the Goonies to put on my phone to compare the two too see if they might be related/identical. I found one, this one infact:



Then I thought to myself "You know what would make this job easier?", "No what?" I said... "Putting a ponytail on him so you don't have to imagine hair!"I replied to myself, to which I excitedly responded "Wow great idea, lets do that!"

So after recovering from that confusing conversation that's exactly what I did:



After putting that on my phone for later enjoyment I thought "You know what, that picture could be used as a poor excuse to post on that blog thing you have" So I wrote a quick explanation of what I had done and why and am about to press the publish button after making up some vaguely relevant tags.

Yet another comparison

I'm still alive, just busy sadly. I was just watching a repeat of Russell Howard's Good News on BBC3 as I am sad and lonely and couldn't help but notice the similarity between Boris Johnson and Rocky Horror of Rocky Horror. I found a little clip of the bit I'm on about, can't be bothered to embed because it takes far to much effort so here.

Distracting Potatos

I've been noticing recently how easy it is to distract people from their train of thought by asking them if they like Potato's. There is so many different things that you can do with a potato that asking the question 'Do you like potatos?' will get a longer answer than if you asked about a slightly less versatile veg.

Completely unnecessary examples:

John Humphrys: Do you like Carrots?
Me: Yeah kinda

John Humphrys: Do you like Peas?
Me: Well yeah, except garden peas and mushy peas

John Humphrys: Do you like Potato's?

Me: Most types yes, baked potato's, normal-y potato's, wedges and stuff rock, I think that chips are morally wrong however, even French fries, well especially fries, I suppose steak chips are OK on occasion but lets be honest, chips wouldn't get my vote in the next general election... Just think if the opposition was a baked potato as well, not a chance, don't you think Gordon Brown kind of looks like a potato?



John Humphrys: I'm going to have to stop you there you scored 2 out of a possible 3, Yes was the answer you missed on potato's.


Anyway the point is, catch people of guard by asking them for their vital vegetable opinions. It's a good way of making them forget what they were talking about. Potato's especially if you need some real time to think.

Guess that tune ... 2010

Just like the last time I played this game, give yourself a smug look for guessing the artist and track title.

Only its a new year, I guess that should change something. Make a new years resolution not to give yourself smug looks for getting something right on the internet then break it by knowing this picture! Marvellous.

Oh I was hibernating back home with my parents during December as an excuse for wondering off (All that twitter activity was an imposter, honest).

Oh 2 image name kind of gives away the answer.

Sticky 'Nades?

While having a regular charity related conversation at work I stumbled over the topic of setting children on fire, as so often happens. I believe I have come across the best method of doing such a thing and so I present:

How to: Set children (and other things) on fire.

Step one: Acquire a hedgehog, size isn't to important but weight might be a factor. So consider your strength unless you want to make this method more complex and involve a launcher.

Step two: now you have your hedgehog you'll need some petrol or something equally as burn-y (yes that is a scientific term). Once done please refer to my diagram just below for step three.

Step four: I probably should have mentioned this sooner, but have a burn-y proof glove on your throwing arm and a lighter in the other hand.

Step five: pick up Burn-y liquid soaked hedgehog in gloved hand (I really want to say that it's name is Bernie but it wasn't it was Francesca). Apply fire from opposite hand until burn-y is burning.

Step six: acquire target. Look for a Hobbit looking thing that is saying "urh urh I'm a kid blegh". Refer to diagram 2 for step seven.



Step eight: Consider shouting a catchphrase at the burning innocent for example: "Take that you Oik"

The theory of all this of cause depends on the spines of the hedgehog getting stuck into the child's face and spreading the fire. I mentioned a launcher earlier in the guide I should mention that a Hedgehog RPG had been thought of but I decided it was too much work for something you could do at a moments notice when offended by children, I mean, personally I have a ready supply of fire, hedgehogs and petrol.

Twins

I was watching random clips of shows I used to like as a youngling earlier on Youtube. While watching Funhouse I noticed something that stood out in my mind.


They look a lot meaner with all the mandatory sunglasses and stuff in the Matrix, but as far as I am concerned this is enough proof for me to say that before finding work in the films the albino programmes from the matrix were Pat Sharpe's assistants on Funhouse.

Sorry for poor quality pictures of the two lady's by the way, screenshots from the Youtube video I mentioned...