Smack Ladle

While I realise this is absolutely nothing like how things actually work, I couldn't help thinking today whether anyone out there deals heroin by the spoon. Example if I was a bit tight on cash but feeling a bit itchy I could go for a tea spoon of smack. If I had had a particularly good day claiming to need a cup of tea at the bus station I might treat myself to a table or soup spoons worth.

Of cause assuming your a reasonably talented thief or people just don't care that your ripping off a charity (Not at all a dig to the less reputable volunteers I may or may not work with) you could always indulge yourself with the godlike smack ladle.



I'm sure you could carry on into small buckets leading up to JCB attachments but that would just be silly.

Ps: Coming soon from WHR the place that brought you the Bee-bra, Hammer Heels and Smack ladle: Penis topper the daft way of dealing with male leakage. (insert obligatory comment about lack of updates here along with an empty promise to update more).

Mork and...

Mindy the name of the assistant manager taking over at the place I sort of work at (not really but its similar enough to that, that I've nicknamed her Mindy). To say she's slow is something of an understatement. To say that she laughs at colours and her ears wiggle when she pulls a gummy smile is perhaps closer.

Anyway I was looking for a picture of Sloth of the Goonies to put on my phone to compare the two too see if they might be related/identical. I found one, this one infact:



Then I thought to myself "You know what would make this job easier?", "No what?" I said... "Putting a ponytail on him so you don't have to imagine hair!"I replied to myself, to which I excitedly responded "Wow great idea, lets do that!"

So after recovering from that confusing conversation that's exactly what I did:



After putting that on my phone for later enjoyment I thought "You know what, that picture could be used as a poor excuse to post on that blog thing you have" So I wrote a quick explanation of what I had done and why and am about to press the publish button after making up some vaguely relevant tags.

Yet another comparison

I'm still alive, just busy sadly. I was just watching a repeat of Russell Howard's Good News on BBC3 as I am sad and lonely and couldn't help but notice the similarity between Boris Johnson and Rocky Horror of Rocky Horror. I found a little clip of the bit I'm on about, can't be bothered to embed because it takes far to much effort so here.

Distracting Potatos

I've been noticing recently how easy it is to distract people from their train of thought by asking them if they like Potato's. There is so many different things that you can do with a potato that asking the question 'Do you like potatos?' will get a longer answer than if you asked about a slightly less versatile veg.

Completely unnecessary examples:

John Humphrys: Do you like Carrots?
Me: Yeah kinda

John Humphrys: Do you like Peas?
Me: Well yeah, except garden peas and mushy peas

John Humphrys: Do you like Potato's?

Me: Most types yes, baked potato's, normal-y potato's, wedges and stuff rock, I think that chips are morally wrong however, even French fries, well especially fries, I suppose steak chips are OK on occasion but lets be honest, chips wouldn't get my vote in the next general election... Just think if the opposition was a baked potato as well, not a chance, don't you think Gordon Brown kind of looks like a potato?



John Humphrys: I'm going to have to stop you there you scored 2 out of a possible 3, Yes was the answer you missed on potato's.


Anyway the point is, catch people of guard by asking them for their vital vegetable opinions. It's a good way of making them forget what they were talking about. Potato's especially if you need some real time to think.

Guess that tune ... 2010

Just like the last time I played this game, give yourself a smug look for guessing the artist and track title.

Only its a new year, I guess that should change something. Make a new years resolution not to give yourself smug looks for getting something right on the internet then break it by knowing this picture! Marvellous.

Oh I was hibernating back home with my parents during December as an excuse for wondering off (All that twitter activity was an imposter, honest).

Oh 2 image name kind of gives away the answer.

Sticky 'Nades?

While having a regular charity related conversation at work I stumbled over the topic of setting children on fire, as so often happens. I believe I have come across the best method of doing such a thing and so I present:

How to: Set children (and other things) on fire.

Step one: Acquire a hedgehog, size isn't to important but weight might be a factor. So consider your strength unless you want to make this method more complex and involve a launcher.

Step two: now you have your hedgehog you'll need some petrol or something equally as burn-y (yes that is a scientific term). Once done please refer to my diagram just below for step three.

Step four: I probably should have mentioned this sooner, but have a burn-y proof glove on your throwing arm and a lighter in the other hand.

Step five: pick up Burn-y liquid soaked hedgehog in gloved hand (I really want to say that it's name is Bernie but it wasn't it was Francesca). Apply fire from opposite hand until burn-y is burning.

Step six: acquire target. Look for a Hobbit looking thing that is saying "urh urh I'm a kid blegh". Refer to diagram 2 for step seven.



Step eight: Consider shouting a catchphrase at the burning innocent for example: "Take that you Oik"

The theory of all this of cause depends on the spines of the hedgehog getting stuck into the child's face and spreading the fire. I mentioned a launcher earlier in the guide I should mention that a Hedgehog RPG had been thought of but I decided it was too much work for something you could do at a moments notice when offended by children, I mean, personally I have a ready supply of fire, hedgehogs and petrol.

Twins

I was watching random clips of shows I used to like as a youngling earlier on Youtube. While watching Funhouse I noticed something that stood out in my mind.


They look a lot meaner with all the mandatory sunglasses and stuff in the Matrix, but as far as I am concerned this is enough proof for me to say that before finding work in the films the albino programmes from the matrix were Pat Sharpe's assistants on Funhouse.

Sorry for poor quality pictures of the two lady's by the way, screenshots from the Youtube video I mentioned...

In a band

Followed these instructions and this was the result. I'm not actually in a band but if I was I might have to insist this be the band name and album.

The Janeway stare

I'm on a role with updates today, my newly formed twitter account looks awful as a result. Have -another- animation I put slightly more effort into this one, however not enough to make it look anything other than awful.

It's a demonstration of Captain Janeways stare, a look powerful enough to destroy planets!

EDIT: Image removed, animation not working for some reason.


EDIT 2: For some reason the normal upload thing did not like my image, uploaded via Google Doc's and it worked straight away. Odd.

Cats!

I made a little animation (in about 5 minutes and exactly 5 frames) to try to explain all the different reasons I love cats. (Click for the animation in all it's glory).

Social networking :(

With the next Xbox 360 update bringing Facebook, twitter and last.fm to my favourite time sink, I thought I'd attempt to get with the times slightly. So I've signed up to twitter. I have no idea what these sites are for for the most part and tend to avoid them at all costs (she says while looking posting on a blog and scrobbling to last.fm ...) But I thought about it for at least 5 minutes and decided that if nothing else I could use it to announce when I update this site, which at least means I won't be using it frequently but maybe just enough that I can get some idea of what it's for.

So, feel free to follow me on twitter where I may or may not type messages that are only 140 characters long. I refuse to abbreviate however.

Charity is fun

I've met some rather interesting people while working for free which, if nothing else is keeping me entertained.

Metapod

I picked up Pokemon FireRed off of play.com to keep me busy while I'm waiting for Scribblenauts UK release next month. I had forgotten how great the first gen Pokemon were. It was delivered this morning, my one day off this week from my charity work ( I know, I know) and rather than tormenting people on Red Faction: Guerrilla as I had planned I have been wasting time playing on my DS.

This might seem like a huge waste of post (like there is much difference) and you would be right, I did have something I wanted to type about but, well, I forgot it. So as a trade off while I try to remember. My current six Pokemon at the moment, I've just beaten Brock, are:

Charmander, Beedrill, Metapod, Rattata, Pidgey and Pikachu.

My Metapod -almost- managed to hurt Brocks Geodude, so in Celebration I made a picture:



Its my Metapod using Harden against a small and largely un-drawn city. scary isn't it.

Pick a legislation any legislation

I was having a chat last night while slagging off Derren Brown and came to the obvious conclusion that the world would be a better place if Paul Daniels had a position in parliament. If nothing else it would make PMQ's more fun. Can you imagine him presenting a selection of laws and legislation to the PM and asking him to pick one, any one. before pulling a slight of hand and pulling out a bouquet of flowers from somewhere. All the while Debbie McGee poses with a white rabbit filled with tax reforms.

Anyway, I think you get the point and can probably make your own fun from the idea of a magician minister, so ciao.

Edit: More spelling mistakes than words.

4 Posts, 1 Month

Sounds like a dodgy internet video does it not? This is an extremely lazy post however. I saw this on BBC show Watchdog last night and found it hilarious.



As an ex NTL/Telewest/Virgin customer I know first hand that their customer service is one step above that of that standard guy down the pub who believes himself to be god's gift and showers you with slurred compliments, followed by vomit. So it's nice that the BBC went to the effort of making a short song to try and get the point across.

11/9 Post

I was browsing b3ta this morning and noticed that it was the 11th of September ( 9/11 in America, 11/9 everywhere that counts) and that made it the anniversary of a certain event. Normally I wouldn't do anything as to avoid offending any god fearing politically correct types. However, I had a nice idea that did not involve a comical object or person knocking down the buildings.


It's a picture of a bee defending the towers from a wasp by firing it's eye lasers at it.

Completely Undeserved Celebrations

Wrist-hugging and it's refuge has existed for a year this month and what better way to celebrate than a wallpaper that no one except for me will ever use/see.

I know when this image is looked at it'll probably be written off as lazy, but I quite enjoyed making it, there were some good memories and rants I re-read while piecing it together and while completely unbelievable here's hoping I can, this time next year look back and have another set of fun times to remember. (Click the image for wallpaper-ish sized).


heres a list of the posts each months picture was taken from:

2008

Sep
Oct
Nov
Dec

2009

Jan
Feb
Mar
Apr
May
Jun
Jul
Aug
Sep

How to: Disappoint and confuse yourself

Yo-ho ahoy nobody. I figure I dropped off the map for so long that even passing strangers now skip this hole because of all the cobwebs. However, while I say this -every- time I disappear and come back, I should be about more for now at least. The course I was on has finally finished and I have a little bit more free time. So much so in fact that I'm at a loss as to what to do, -so- much of a loss in fact, that I ended up here typing.

However not all my time is free, which is the part where the title comes in. The first lesson I shall teach for a while shall be a simple one while I work on more stuff in GIMP. Don't believe me? how dare you. I bring proof and Jaffe cakes, however the Jaffe cakes are just for me.

See, I have at the very least got the programme open. Anyway the course was fun. By the end of it each day was essentially a bitching contest between various members of staff and trainees. Suffice to say the side that had me tended to win. Although I'll admit not due to intelligence or well placed insults, just persistence.

I found a nice picture I made years ago when I used to use Windows (I know, right?). No fancy layers or anything just a cheap mspaint scribble, but it's of a much higher quality than the stuff I usually garnish my rants with so enjoy.



You might notice I've stumbled around the subject slightly here, well I'm somewhat disappointed in myself. There is one thing you see, I said with some authority while younger and possessed some sort of social life, that "I would never do volunteer work, I mean, that's like working, but like, for free". Unfortunately however for reasons unknown ... I'm working voluntarily for a charity shop.

As you can see I'm rather confused and I imagine my sociable self from the past would be disappointed.

As for the dear non-existent reader, are you not disappointed with what that rambling lead up too and confused as to why you bothered?

Treasure Chest

My last day at the placement at the 'Local' College and I have been given something fun to play with. Several hours of audio footage from interviews, meetings and such like. Technically I'm suppose to listen and extract any interesting highlights. Actually however, I am editing them for comedic effect.

My ultimate aim is to mix together what I have into some kind of really bad music track, however for now I am just altering the lecturers voices so to bring down the students. As I am that sad. Preview you say? Okay.

Taken from a lecture preparing high school kids for life after school.

I thought about the what I'd have to say when uploading other peoples voices to this site on the bus here this morning and what I've decided is:
If you hear your voice and want it removed, let me know. Likewise, if you hear your voice and want to be credited, let me know.

No picture yet because I can't be bothered at the moment

Lets Dance

I finally got round to sending myself all of the Safety signs I made as part of sabotaging a work project and as I'm getting almost as bad as UK:Resistance when it comes to update content I have decided since I did technically make them in GIMP that they were good enough, so here's Part 1 of my "How to: Guarantee you don't get a job" picture expose.



Probably the cleverest of the bunch, that's right, we're getting the 'good' stuff out the way early.



Any form of subtle alteration is totally out the window now, at least with the first one it could have been taken as a accidental mess up.


This one doesn't even really make sense, at the time I just really wanted to play Spirograph. I know your loving these but I have to make them last, one more for this update and then I have 3 more of ever decreasing quality!

Last one above. In case you can't see the direction this post has gone in with it's message, it's basically: If you want to screw your chances of getting hired from a work trial, take your work about as seriously as you would a midget in a clown outfit.