Friday, 13 November 2009

Sticky 'Nades?

While having a regular charity related conversation at work I stumbled over the topic of setting children on fire, as so often happens. I believe I have come across the best method of doing such a thing and so I present:

How to: Set children (and other things) on fire.

Step one: Acquire a hedgehog, size isn't to important but weight might be a factor. So consider your strength unless you want to make this method more complex and involve a launcher.

Step two: now you have your hedgehog you'll need some petrol or something equally as burn-y (yes that is a scientific term). Once done please refer to my diagram just below for step three.

Step four: I probably should have mentioned this sooner, but have a burn-y proof glove on your throwing arm and a lighter in the other hand.

Step five: pick up Burn-y liquid soaked hedgehog in gloved hand (I really want to say that it's name is Bernie but it wasn't it was Francesca). Apply fire from opposite hand until burn-y is burning.

Step six: acquire target. Look for a Hobbit looking thing that is saying "urh urh I'm a kid blegh". Refer to diagram 2 for step seven.

Step eight: Consider shouting a catchphrase at the burning innocent for example: "Take that you Oik"

The theory of all this of cause depends on the spines of the hedgehog getting stuck into the child's face and spreading the fire. I mentioned a launcher earlier in the guide I should mention that a Hedgehog RPG had been thought of but I decided it was too much work for something you could do at a moments notice when offended by children, I mean, personally I have a ready supply of fire, hedgehogs and petrol.

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