Friday, 13 November 2009

Sticky 'Nades?

While having a regular charity related conversation at work I stumbled over the topic of setting children on fire, as so often happens. I believe I have come across the best method of doing such a thing and so I present:

How to: Set children (and other things) on fire.

Step one: Acquire a hedgehog, size isn't to important but weight might be a factor. So consider your strength unless you want to make this method more complex and involve a launcher.

Step two: now you have your hedgehog you'll need some petrol or something equally as burn-y (yes that is a scientific term). Once done please refer to my diagram just below for step three.

Step four: I probably should have mentioned this sooner, but have a burn-y proof glove on your throwing arm and a lighter in the other hand.

Step five: pick up Burn-y liquid soaked hedgehog in gloved hand (I really want to say that it's name is Bernie but it wasn't it was Francesca). Apply fire from opposite hand until burn-y is burning.

Step six: acquire target. Look for a Hobbit looking thing that is saying "urh urh I'm a kid blegh". Refer to diagram 2 for step seven.

Step eight: Consider shouting a catchphrase at the burning innocent for example: "Take that you Oik"

The theory of all this of cause depends on the spines of the hedgehog getting stuck into the child's face and spreading the fire. I mentioned a launcher earlier in the guide I should mention that a Hedgehog RPG had been thought of but I decided it was too much work for something you could do at a moments notice when offended by children, I mean, personally I have a ready supply of fire, hedgehogs and petrol.

Thursday, 22 October 2009


I was watching random clips of shows I used to like as a youngling earlier on Youtube. While watching Funhouse I noticed something that stood out in my mind.

They look a lot meaner with all the mandatory sunglasses and stuff in the Matrix, but as far as I am concerned this is enough proof for me to say that before finding work in the films the albino programmes from the matrix were Pat Sharpe's assistants on Funhouse.

Sorry for poor quality pictures of the two lady's by the way, screenshots from the Youtube video I mentioned...

Sunday, 18 October 2009

In a band

Followed these instructions and this was the result. I'm not actually in a band but if I was I might have to insist this be the band name and album.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

The Janeway stare

I'm on a role with updates today, my newly formed twitter account looks awful as a result. Have -another- animation I put slightly more effort into this one, however not enough to make it look anything other than awful.

It's a demonstration of Captain Janeways stare, a look powerful enough to destroy planets!

EDIT: Image removed, animation not working for some reason.

EDIT 2: For some reason the normal upload thing did not like my image, uploaded via Google Doc's and it worked straight away. Odd.


I made a little animation (in about 5 minutes and exactly 5 frames) to try to explain all the different reasons I love cats. (Click for the animation in all it's glory).

Social networking :(

With the next Xbox 360 update bringing Facebook, twitter and to my favourite time sink, I thought I'd attempt to get with the times slightly. So I've signed up to twitter. I have no idea what these sites are for for the most part and tend to avoid them at all costs (she says while looking posting on a blog and scrobbling to ...) But I thought about it for at least 5 minutes and decided that if nothing else I could use it to announce when I update this site, which at least means I won't be using it frequently but maybe just enough that I can get some idea of what it's for.

So, feel free to follow me on twitter where I may or may not type messages that are only 140 characters long. I refuse to abbreviate however.

Friday, 25 September 2009

Charity is fun

I've met some rather interesting people while working for free which, if nothing else is keeping me entertained.

Thursday, 17 September 2009


I picked up Pokemon FireRed off of to keep me busy while I'm waiting for Scribblenauts UK release next month. I had forgotten how great the first gen Pokemon were. It was delivered this morning, my one day off this week from my charity work ( I know, I know) and rather than tormenting people on Red Faction: Guerrilla as I had planned I have been wasting time playing on my DS.

This might seem like a huge waste of post (like there is much difference) and you would be right, I did have something I wanted to type about but, well, I forgot it. So as a trade off while I try to remember. My current six Pokemon at the moment, I've just beaten Brock, are:

Charmander, Beedrill, Metapod, Rattata, Pidgey and Pikachu.

My Metapod -almost- managed to hurt Brocks Geodude, so in Celebration I made a picture:

Its my Metapod using Harden against a small and largely un-drawn city. scary isn't it.

Saturday, 12 September 2009

Pick a legislation any legislation

I was having a chat last night while slagging off Derren Brown and came to the obvious conclusion that the world would be a better place if Paul Daniels had a position in parliament. If nothing else it would make PMQ's more fun. Can you imagine him presenting a selection of laws and legislation to the PM and asking him to pick one, any one. before pulling a slight of hand and pulling out a bouquet of flowers from somewhere. All the while Debbie McGee poses with a white rabbit filled with tax reforms.

Anyway, I think you get the point and can probably make your own fun from the idea of a magician minister, so ciao.

Edit: More spelling mistakes than words.

Friday, 11 September 2009

4 Posts, 1 Month

Sounds like a dodgy internet video does it not? This is an extremely lazy post however. I saw this on BBC show Watchdog last night and found it hilarious.

As an ex NTL/Telewest/Virgin customer I know first hand that their customer service is one step above that of that standard guy down the pub who believes himself to be god's gift and showers you with slurred compliments, followed by vomit. So it's nice that the BBC went to the effort of making a short song to try and get the point across.

11/9 Post

I was browsing b3ta this morning and noticed that it was the 11th of September ( 9/11 in America, 11/9 everywhere that counts) and that made it the anniversary of a certain event. Normally I wouldn't do anything as to avoid offending any god fearing politically correct types. However, I had a nice idea that did not involve a comical object or person knocking down the buildings.

It's a picture of a bee defending the towers from a wasp by firing it's eye lasers at it.

Thursday, 10 September 2009

Completely Undeserved Celebrations

Wrist-hugging and it's refuge has existed for a year this month and what better way to celebrate than a wallpaper that no one except for me will ever use/see.

I know when this image is looked at it'll probably be written off as lazy, but I quite enjoyed making it, there were some good memories and rants I re-read while piecing it together and while completely unbelievable here's hoping I can, this time next year look back and have another set of fun times to remember. (Click the image for wallpaper-ish sized).

heres a list of the posts each months picture was taken from:






How to: Disappoint and confuse yourself

Yo-ho ahoy nobody. I figure I dropped off the map for so long that even passing strangers now skip this hole because of all the cobwebs. However, while I say this -every- time I disappear and come back, I should be about more for now at least. The course I was on has finally finished and I have a little bit more free time. So much so in fact that I'm at a loss as to what to do, -so- much of a loss in fact, that I ended up here typing.

However not all my time is free, which is the part where the title comes in. The first lesson I shall teach for a while shall be a simple one while I work on more stuff in GIMP. Don't believe me? how dare you. I bring proof and Jaffe cakes, however the Jaffe cakes are just for me.

See, I have at the very least got the programme open. Anyway the course was fun. By the end of it each day was essentially a bitching contest between various members of staff and trainees. Suffice to say the side that had me tended to win. Although I'll admit not due to intelligence or well placed insults, just persistence.

I found a nice picture I made years ago when I used to use Windows (I know, right?). No fancy layers or anything just a cheap mspaint scribble, but it's of a much higher quality than the stuff I usually garnish my rants with so enjoy.

You might notice I've stumbled around the subject slightly here, well I'm somewhat disappointed in myself. There is one thing you see, I said with some authority while younger and possessed some sort of social life, that "I would never do volunteer work, I mean, that's like working, but like, for free". Unfortunately however for reasons unknown ... I'm working voluntarily for a charity shop.

As you can see I'm rather confused and I imagine my sociable self from the past would be disappointed.

As for the dear non-existent reader, are you not disappointed with what that rambling lead up too and confused as to why you bothered?

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Treasure Chest

My last day at the placement at the 'Local' College and I have been given something fun to play with. Several hours of audio footage from interviews, meetings and such like. Technically I'm suppose to listen and extract any interesting highlights. Actually however, I am editing them for comedic effect.

My ultimate aim is to mix together what I have into some kind of really bad music track, however for now I am just altering the lecturers voices so to bring down the students. As I am that sad. Preview you say? Okay.

Taken from a lecture preparing high school kids for life after school.

I thought about the what I'd have to say when uploading other peoples voices to this site on the bus here this morning and what I've decided is:
If you hear your voice and want it removed, let me know. Likewise, if you hear your voice and want to be credited, let me know.

No picture yet because I can't be bothered at the moment

Sunday, 19 July 2009

Lets Dance

I finally got round to sending myself all of the Safety signs I made as part of sabotaging a work project and as I'm getting almost as bad as UK:Resistance when it comes to update content I have decided since I did technically make them in GIMP that they were good enough, so here's Part 1 of my "How to: Guarantee you don't get a job" picture expose.

Probably the cleverest of the bunch, that's right, we're getting the 'good' stuff out the way early.

Any form of subtle alteration is totally out the window now, at least with the first one it could have been taken as a accidental mess up.

This one doesn't even really make sense, at the time I just really wanted to play Spirograph. I know your loving these but I have to make them last, one more for this update and then I have 3 more of ever decreasing quality!

Last one above. In case you can't see the direction this post has gone in with it's message, it's basically: If you want to screw your chances of getting hired from a work trial, take your work about as seriously as you would a midget in a clown outfit.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Try to get your combat multiplier...

... even higher. I meant to post earlier today with some signs I had put together for the job I'm doing at the moment, I'm making mobile Java books to help people learn while on the toilet or something, it's boring and time consuming considering I am expected to mix in relevant pictures to the text. I quickly got bored of this and decided that the people reading it probably would have too, so I started quite subtly (she says..) with a new safety sign stating "Danger Danger, High Voltage" but after that I couldn't think of anything so innocent. So if you take a Health and Safety Course in my area in the near future and see such images in the mobile content as "Moonwalk! at all times", "Swine Flu, Wear mask" and (one of my favourites after the first I mentioned:) "Caution, Safety Dance". Then you know who to thank.

I will post those tomorrow if I get chance, only reason I didn't earlier today was that I was tired and so spent most of midday-ish drawing a picture before forgetting why I was even there and going home. I suppose I had best write something informative quite quickly as I feel I haven't done that in at least 3-4 months:

If there is one thing I have learnt over the last week, it's that the best way of educating you're children about swear words is to take them to a theme park and sit them next t
o the roller coasters because at least while I was in attendance this Saturday gone you couldn't get near a ride I was on without hearing a high pitched, elongated squeal of various swear words usually followed by whimpering and tears.

So if you would like the opportunity to listen to your youngling asking "Mummy what does C*nt mean and why is that girl screaming it while crying?" then you know what to do.

Wizadora because, with language like mine I'll never be aloud on kids TV.

Oh, also: Hi Ray, your Pirate ship ride sucks and your failed attempts at killing us makes me laugh, I hope many people vomit on your 5£ sun glasses from above.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

I did it again didn't I?

Promised tales of hilarity forgotten about and even more since then, a brief summerary, they decided to split up our group as we were clearly causing to much trouble so I ended up in with a bunch of rather boring strangers. For some reason however rather than taking this as a sign to shut up and work or whatever, I decided it was time for me to change the class into more of an arts & crafts session. I have sitting at home now a Pokedex and a Dragon Ball Z scouter that I made out of cardboard and felt tip pens rather than working on employability. I also tried my hand at dirty jokes and hosting a quiz show during an application form techniques class.
Either way that is at an end now as I have been put out on placement at the local College handling web development and such. You can tell how much I'm enjoying it as I am writing this from my office desk.

Must dash, but if anyone is out at Drayton Mannor this Saturday keep an eye out for the girl in the "I -heart- Chocobo's" top, Wearing an Helen Hunt mask (Really on this one, don't think about it to much).

Saturday, 6 June 2009


I've disappeared again I know. But at least I have a slightly better reason than laziness this time. I've been forced into a 13 week employability course with a company called Juniper training (feel free to think badly of them). Basically I sit in a room with a large number of people who can't read or write and discuss the finer points of getting dressed with the aim of helping people get jobs.

To be fair a lot of the people in my group might actually need that help this one man (can't remember the name and probably would not type it anyway). Spent 5 minutes complaining at me that the company would not pay for postage on an application form he had filled in. When I asked why he told me it was -Just- because he had spelt his name wrong and put in the wrong address and scribbled it out. In almost those exact words. On top of this we had one guy arguing with an 'employment officer' (read: teacher) about the legitimacy of the British National Party as a political group rather than a bunch of racist hate-mongers.

All of this said there are reasonable people and fun story's to tell, Including in no particular order claiming to a group of 20 with a straight face that I wanted to work in a sex shop as a dream career stating some innuendo laced reasons. An A3 drawing of 'The very hungry Caterpillar' getting stuck to the wall with glue during a CV building session and getting given Friday off to do an 'external research project' which I can only assume is the teachers having had enough of us collectively for one week. Speaking of which I wonder if writer/journalist would count as a career that I have researched otherwise they will end up disappointed come Monday.

Anyway when I get chance I would really like to expand on some of the fun things that happen while I'm on this waste-of-tax-payers-money course as while I enjoy writing, I really have had no inspiration of late, even with regards to the story I want to write. I guess, writing what you know is better than knowing what you just blatantly made up sometimes.

(oh and it might be noticeable that since my last post, adverts were added and removed, to explain, I was offered money to advertise, I was not happy but needed a bit of cash. After an initial payment I've decided I liked my site better when it wasn't advertising a rubbish company I have never heard of and will never use, as such they have been removed).

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Listen to "Fat & Proud" by Stereogram while looking at fat people in tesco!

Consider that an order as it's great fun, Just watch the fat people waddling around your local supermarket while listening to Fat & Proud and I bet you have trouble stopping your self giggling. Or is it just me that is that sad/cruel?

Anyway, as you may have noticed if your not blind I've made a couple of changes to the look of the site, adding a sort of logo thing and a widget (that one was mainly because I was bored). Expect more changes in the coming days, this does not mean however that the half hearted posting is going to stop, although it
may increase in frequency as I would like to start posting at least once a week to try and get back into a habit of writing here.

On to the required picture.

Yes, I burnt a big line into the back of my hand in an unfortunate toast accident a few days ago, some say it was the wine affecting my toasting judgement some say it was just bad luck, the witnesses really are split down the middle. All I know is my hand hurts and looks horrid, I'll never look at toast the same way again.

I'm tempted to end this in the same way that Three Dog ends his transmissions in Fallout 3, but I'm not going to so, Ciao

Friday, 1 May 2009

The Final Countdown

Firstly the post title is because this is stuck in my head. Now on to business, I went and made a little picture that you can print off and stick on your fridge if you think it's nice. But much more likely to be fridge worthy is that final piece of 'Fan art' from the other week which I totally forgot about.

First is the thing I drew, originally I wanted to just do a guess the tune picture of The Story So Far by New Found Glory, but I got distracted. I guess it's kind of based on the line:

Is it true that you like to sleep alone?

Or is it what you just tell everyone?

On to the main attraction however, the picture I got sent and didn't post the other week. By the same person as the ones that constituted my only post in April but I saved it for a separate post because it was my personal favourite. Now that's fridge worthy. I believe it teaches us an important fact about apples.

Another comparison

If you think I do these side by side comparison pictures as a lazy way of posting without putting in any effort what so ever, you'd be completely right but at the same time in this case it is one that has been in my head for a long time. I'm posting it now because I watched Little Nicky again for the first time in years earlier today and the similarity's were even better than I thought. So I present to you Peter Petrelli (left) and Little Nicky, son of Satan (right). I'm sure any Heroes fan will agree with me that Peter shouting "Unleash the good!" before firing rainbows from his hands is not really such a stretch. I still have GIMP open so who knows you might even get another post today, but don't hold your breath, you would probably die.

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Zombie time at WHR

I am back from the dead but at the moment not posting pictures I drew myself. I figure I should apologise too the at least one person who knows this waste of web space exists for me wondering off for a month, I've been oh so busy with training courses, work trials and hospital appointments that I've hardly had time for even the essentials (Left 4 Dead's new Survival mode) On top of all of that following what I considered high praise with regards to a story/book idea I pitched, I'm working on plot lines and crazy spider graphs and such to see if I can develop the idea more. So yes busy, but I'd best stop before people think I'm using the blog properly and not as a place to dump random images.

With out further ado I present to you a short series of 'Fan art'. To get the best experience from this post, open this link in a different tab while you read.

First we have this lovely picture of a Car shaped like a pigeon by a young girl aged 5. You can really see the detail on the door and it's wheels, this picture is a real joy to look at, I could stare for hours only to notice something new.

Now this is an image that quite frankly makes me look bad, notice how the artist has took the time to colour the background and just look at the emotions on the characters faces. Behind all the detail however I believe this drawing has a strong message that I think we can all appreciate. What is next...

Ah, now this is a classic imitation WHR piece, you can only tell it's not a real image because of the higher quality colours and legible handwriting, again this is an emotion filled piece as the artist can't help but shout her love for hairy men across the canvas seemingly getting distracted from the original drawing which I speculate was a picture of Stick Girl Sam getting poked in the eye by an angry cloud... yes, moving on...

I do have one more excellent drawing by the person who did these but I'm going to post it later on along with something I made myself with any luck as I feel like I can't even remember what GIMP looks like.

Thursday, 19 March 2009

I made this at the early learning center

In response to at least the headline of this news story I couldn't help but run down to my local early learning center and make this out of fuzzy felt.

Tuesday, 17 March 2009


Don't ask why I did this, but I guess the Gold star and hug rules from my last guessing game post can apply to this if you like, there are two things to notice so award your self either a gold star or a hug for each one you guess. Unlike the last one however there is no file-name clues so I guess, I'll edit in a couple of RIS-links later.

Help wanted, apply within

Back to normal, no more long stories that make no sense. Anyway it's come to my attention recently that the education systems in Scotland differ quite greatly (to England), at least in the high school and college areas and while Wikipedia in it's infinite greatness lets me read up on what the various different levels are called and what you can study at each level, there is no comparison for example at high school I studied towards my GCSE qualifications then headed to college to do a couple of A levels and an AVCE. Basically what I'm after knowing is, what is the scotish equivilant of a GCSE or A level and whatever. Seriously if you glance this message and just happen to be a Scotish student or teacher feel free to comment to fill me in, it's really annoying me.

(You can for some daft reason click for big on this picture, no idea why it's not my regular size to be honest).

Friday, 13 March 2009

Doctor Jesus Medicine Woman: Part 3

Last time on Dragonball Z

This is the final part of what fictional critics are calling a modern day classic, an instant hit, future best seller and absolute load of nonsense. Psychiatrists are calling a sure sign of insanity and my job hunting helper is calling defiantly not looking for a job. I'll actually keep it short this time.

Mark and Jessica stand outside the hospital sharing a cigarette watching as the sun started to shrink behind the buildings, it'd been hours since they'd found the Poison victims on ward 5. After some initial testing between Mark and Jesus they came to the conclusion that the sick had been poisoned by radiation all the pieces were coming together in Marks head as Jesus worked on curing the people back inside, it seemed likely that someone had poisoned the Mayors water supply, the dose must have been smaller than the killer thought it was, why else bother shooting Mayor Casdres, she would be in a bed sick just like the eight people behind these doors if only they'd waited long enough. Even though he had a good idea of how the murder had happened now, there was still the rather big problem of who.
Just then Jesus pushed his way out of the hospital's front doors
motioning to Mark to pass him a cigarette even as he did, as he lit his smoke he began to talk, "Well, for what it's worth they'll be fine I managed to use my 'healing touch' to reverse damage done by the radiation and the IV the resident doctors have put them on should fix out any fatigue issues.", "Any of them have anything useful to say? I mean, I think we all know what happened here now, but still, no leads on who" Mark asked, "No, none of them knows a thing, I've got a plan however" Jesus replied before taking another drag.

The plan was simple, tried and tested but the trio had a fee
ling it would work well enough considering the murderers actions up till now. They had split up as night fell, each deciding to explore a bar for a few hours before it got too late, and as they each sat in at their respective bars their plan started to come into action. As people got used to them they'd come over and ask questions about how the Mayors now ex-staff were doing the three would answer politely, saying that they would all recover and once they recovered one of them had something important to say regarding the killer. This was all they needed to do, it was almost Scooby Doo simple as a plan. They retired back to the hospital and waited.

It happened exactly as expected, late at night there was a noise across the ward, someone moving about in the dark, Jessica hit the lights, illuminating the room, the recovering patients and - the killer. "Games up, you're caught" the hooded figure raised his hands and dropped his concealed knife as he turned to face Jessica, "I guess, the old traps work the best eh? I should watch more day time TV all things considered" the man snickered to himself as Jesus and Mark Sloan came through the door to join them. Dr. Jesus spoke "There's no getting away how about you take off that hood and show us your face", the killer moved his hands up too his hood and began sliding it off as he began to explain "You see, my livelihood depends on the failed youth, when I heard that young Fiona had accomplished so much at a young age, I knew I had to act before the news spread to my audience" His face and story fully exposed, it all made sense Mayor Fiona Casdres was murdered and her staff poisoned by Jeremy Kyle, he lost his mind when he heard of a young woman who wasn't doing drugs sleeping around while been a bad mother and possible alcoholic, he knew that if this news ever got to his audience he'd be ruined, his empire built on the life's of badly raised children would crumble. So he traveled to Whgut and poisoned the water cooler in the Mayors office, gaining entry under the guise of a 'feel-good' story. He was inexperienced and it would be his undoing, after a couple of days it didn't seem as though the poison was taking affect, so he went to plan B, the rifle.

Kyle was arrested and executed by order of the new Mayor of Whgut, the ex hairdresser that shared the old Mayors ideals. Back aboard Doctor Jesus' aeroplane the trio shared a congratulatory shot of bourbon, Jesus looked across to Jessica with a smile and said "So, what do you think, not a bad short story?" Jessica returned the smile and replied "that would make a terrible story, I could probably jazz it up a bit though".

The End. (And, never-a-fracking-gain).

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Doctor Jesus Medicine Woman: Part 2

We left our heroes here.

Bruce had landed the plane just outside of Whgut. The team had been to many places across the vast continent and reactions differ from huge crowds gathering around the plane with excitement at something new to this, nothing, no one coming to greet them almost as if there was an air of fear surrounding the town upon their arrival. The three of them moved away from the plane as Bruce watched from the planes exit hatch, watching the sun rise over the low rise buildings as a slight breeze blew a light carpet of sand across the landscape.

The three experts had reached the main street of the small town of Whgut, they had decided their first point of call should be the scene of the shooting, a cautious villager had directed them towards a small hairdressers on a side street close by the mayors office. Jesus turned into the street followed by Mark and Jessica; who was sporting an involuntary squint either from the morning sun or the drinks price on her from the night before. A short woman stepped out of the hairdressers as they got closer and shading her eyes with her hand she called "Are you here to help Miss Casdres?", "I think it might be too late for that my dear" Jesus said back as he stepped with in arms length of the woman. "Sorry, I mean, Ms. erm, Fiona Casdres she died outside my shop, your here to help catch her killer yes?". Mark stepped forwards as he said "That's the plan ma'am our job here is to try to help the people left ill and catch the one responsible". "I see you'd all better come inside then I can fill you in on what happened, not many people will be willing to talk you see". The woman turned and walked inside her shop, the trio exchanged a glance before following.

"She was a nice woman you know, She was just elected the first female Mayor of Whgut, I can't believe anyone would want her dead but the evidence makes me wrong". Mark took a breath and asked a series of short questions to find out what he could, the woman seemed to struggle with English but was pleasant and managed to answer well enough, but what use was the information they had gained?
An hour or so had passed since Jesus and his two companions had entered the hairdressers when they stepped outside into the day light again. With a sigh Jessica asked what the team had learnt, Jesus took the liberty of filling her in: "The late Mayors name was Fiona Casdres, she was generally well liked and intelligent which led to her been voted the towns Mayor at the young age of twenty, three weeks after she started her job however she was shot in the chest, its a fair assumption that the weapon was a sniper rifle of some sorts considering a lack of witnesses and at this time what passes for the law around here has no suspects. It gets interesting when you note that a day or so after the shooting people close to her, mostly staff, started getting sick, very sick in fact. Most of them are expected to die within a week or two". After this he went on to suggest that they visit the sick while they still could and find out what they could.

There was eight people affected by illness, all the same symptoms and on a similar time scale. They were been kept on a closed ward at the surprisingly present minor hospital on the outskirts of town. As the trio walked past the reception desk following directions towards ward 5 where the eight were being kept a seemingly long silence was broken by Mark; "Any theory's yet?" Dr. Jesus thought about this for a second before replying "I'm not certain, I've got a feeling but before I go any further I'd like too examine these patients" and with that Mark and Jesus pushed open the double doors into Ward 5, Jessica following close behind deep in thought.

And so as we reach the end of part two, we see Dr. Jesus, Jessica and Mark Sloan standing between two rows of four beds, Jesus looks upon the closest patient to him and mumbles to himself, "Poison".

Doctor Jesus Medicine Woman: Part 1

Alternate title: Diagnosis: Quincy Murder, She Wrote.

This my friends and strangers is a story of heroic doctoring and the positively morally right crime solving that swept parts of Africa in the 1990's thanks to the gang of super friends consisting of Doctor Jesus Medicine Woman, Mark Sloan and Jessica Fletcher. The
y travelled the dustier parts of Africa healing the sick, solving over complicated murder and bringing together warring tribes with brilliant acts of negotiation. Jessica writes up their escapades and has them published as a means to help them pay for fuel and maintenance on their aeroplane and of cause the modest wage of it's pilot Bruce Dickinson.

But, I before I repeat myself using slightly more descriptive words for the second time, the story I bring you today is one of their less famous stories, this one comes all the way from Namibia, a small settlement not far from Walvis Bay: the oddly named town of Whgut (Pronounced Whag-Utt).

Dr. Jesus had been studying his map of Africa looking for an case that required him and his friends special mix of ability's, and rather typically just as he had finished his cigarette and was about to call it a night a new case caught his view. Jesus sat back down to his desk in the darkened room, the light of the monitor reflecting off his face.

The Murder of the Mayor of Whgut!

"Interesting" he thought as fished around his trousers for another cigarette. As he lit his smoke he leaned to press the intercom on the wall, it was about time his traveling companions learned of their next case. "Everyone get in here, I've found something that meets our... talents" he said calmly across the intercom knowing that everyone on board would hear.

(I say on board, as Dr. Jesus and his companions not only use an aeroplane as means of travel between remote locations but the huge passenger jet sized plane is also used as the teams personal residence and headquarters for their efforts to make the world a little bit better).

It didn't take long before everyone was gathered in the now rather crowded looking work area. Some looking more -walking dead- than others, with Jessica looking especially tired, possibly due to a few to many nightcaps. Dr. Jesus had noticed her increasing dependency on alcohol, how couldn't he after all he's an experienced doctor and the son of god, for now however he would leave her too it as it had not yet affected her ability to think out side the box when working a murder case, and her loyal fans would always buy her next novel covering their upcoming case.
"There has been a murder in a town in Namibia" Jesus opened, "the mayor of the town was shot dead on her way to get her hair cut" - "That's not a case for us, its a straight forward murder" Interrupted Jessica. "It's not that simple- since her death everyone who was close to her is falling ill, all with the same symptoms. With the towns leader now gone and her team ill, the town has fallen into chaos" Jesus replied with a sigh. Sloan spoke up "Sounds interesting, any leads?" - "Nothing" said Jesus "anyway, I'm hoping that we can head there right away and get started. This has the making of a short story don't you think" He added glancing a quick smirk towards Jessica. Bruce piped up from where he was standing, leaning against the wall next to the door "I'll make preparations now, we're heading to Whgut near Walvis right?" and with this he stood up straight and left the room.

End of Part One. (Expect Part two in this cynically planned trilogy soon, and don't worry I hope the other two parts are a lot shorter, I got a bit carried away writing this).

Tuesday, 3 March 2009


Be very careful before you decide to press play on the embedded video it -can- cause physical harm if listened to, or looked directly at. I warn you because I care and also because after watching the video on my tv just once I now know the pain that can be caused by a kidney transplant as mine exploded about half way through the advert.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Relevant one liner here

I'm sure everyone alive has noticed this before me, but then, everyone alive had heard of girls aloud before I had and as such had a slight advantage.

(If the colours are off blame my crap monitor - its why I typically stay away from proper shops, but if you like you can, as always with my more effort intensive posts, click for slightly bigger).

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

New from JML

The Jar bra, originally developed as a way of distracting groping the Jar bra's bee filled jars will increase your cup size by at least one jar and helping you keep the much desired jar chest shape along with the always beneficial presence of bee's acting as a natural perfume.

But wait, there's more! from the people who brought you the Jar bra, go out in style with the brand new, Hammer Heels, these stylish heel's were constructed using only the finest claw hammers and deadest cow skin, leaving you with the comfort that only wearing hammers can bring.

Give me Hot Water

I'm not sure whats wrong but my boiler just refuses to make hot water its annoying, I had to have a bath using water from a kettle.

Also you can click for slightly bigger on that, I was feeling slightly generous.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Air Wick: the story continues

That title is somewhat misleading as it doesn't for now at least, I got an email back from someone at Air Wick telling me off for not contacting the right department (I did look for the marketing people when I sent the original message but without luck so it's not my fault). For anyone that cares what follows is the email with a picture as well as I refuse to post without at least one picture.

"Thank you for your email regarding the Airwick advertisements. We do not have any information regarding advertisements as we are the Consumer Relations department and are not involved in marketing decisions.

I have noted your request for information and have passed details of these comments to the relevant marketing team. Should they wish to disclose this information, they will contact you directly.

Thank you for your enquiry.

Kind Regards


you'll have to click for big on the picture if you care enough. and if I don't hear back after this I can only assume that they don't want to 'disclose' the information which would -obviously- lead me to believe some kind of conspiracy is going on, possibly that the rabbit family are nothing more than a bunch of polygons and don't need a back story at all because people who work in marketing are cold heartless types who would murder their own mother for a percentage increase in sales.

Edit: Sorry if anyone noticed the million edits I did to this post, I managed to mess up the formatting so much without noticing.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Bad Parents

I feel somewhat like I'm carrying on from my last post here but I'm not. Anyway, I don't watch much TV so maybe this ad has been around for a while, but an Advert is running for Air Wick (Similar to this one and these) in it a Rabbit explains to the viewer how the Air Wick thing makes her daily life so much easier and slightly less smelly while all around her, her family goes about their daily routine. I can only assume that she is demonstrating her role in the family as well, it just struck me as slightly unbalanced her husband (Boyfriend maybe? I'll have to contact Air Wick on that) spends a lot of his time running around looking after the children, seems like a nice guy for a rabbit parent to be fair, but all the while the Wife/Girlfriend Rabbit (I really should get an answer on which) Sits on her bum explaining the details of her new air freshener. I feel sorry for the kids who get hugged before bed by their Dad (or New Dad?) and then Mummy eventually comes up to read them a story... from the back of the box of a plug in scent.

(Email will be sent to Air Wick regarding the structure of the Rabbit family before the end of this day if I can't find an answer without contacting them so expect an rabbit related update at some point, personally I hope that they have written a great big back story including how one of the kids was adopted and won't know for another few adverts).

Edit: On the Air Wick website here her name is said as Mrs. Rabbit which would suggest she is married, but is that to her current partner or an old husband not yet divorced? hopefully answers are on the way.

Edit 23/2 : Initial responce from air wick, see next post.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Pokémon related post

I get the feeling that my
Pokémon mum doesn't like me very much at all, when I went to her at the age of about 13-14 and told her of my dream to become a Pokémon master the likes of which Hoenn has never seen all she had to say was pretty much "have some running shoes and get lost" I was expecting her to shoot my dream down and tell me I'm too young to be traveling the world alone with nothing but animals for company, that I should finish my studies before deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life, but no. I think she just wanted me out of the house so that she could drink her self into an early grave without me trying to talk her out of it. Either that or my face reminds her of her dead husband... I didn't mean to kill him, I didn't, please forgive me!

Saturday, 14 February 2009

View while listening to the Jurassic Park theme tune

For some daft reason I when I thought of Lego Jurassic Park I thought of giant Lego men in forests rather than dinosaurs made of Lego.

(click for big on the pic, although to be fair I wouldn't bother, it's not very good sorry).

Friday, 6 February 2009

The Zombie Solution

I'll try to keep this short as its pretty self explanatory, what's the best way of surviving a zombie apocalypse? Become a pirate of cause! Get yourself a ship and sail the oceans occasionally stopping to raid a port to stock up on goods and 'recruit' any survivors you find into your crew.

Now before everyone drops to their knees and praises me as some kind of goddess, the problem came to mind, what if zombies learn to swim? as unlikely as this is I had to think of a solution, luckily just then my copy of Skies of Arcadia (Dreamcast version of cause) slapped me around the back of the head. Flying pirate ships; been supported by giant blimp-y balloons, problem with that was, raiding ports while flying, there are many workable solutions to this my favorite been to have a section of the floor of the ship getting lowered down like an elevator in order for crew to bring new stock on board.

After this I got to thinking about a pirate base in the skies and I got a great solution: "The Great Air Fortress Supertanker!" we steal one of those great big ships that move those giant container things around the world, attach balloons the size of the moon to it and float it somewhere as a safe haven of the skies for all pirates.

(note: the pic isnt to scale those tankers are -huge- also, some of the credit for this post should go to my left4dead buddys for bringing up the topic of how you'd survive if zombies ever took over).

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Bear Eggs

It crossed my mind recently that I haven't been spreading the word about my heritage recently, what heritage you ask? why the fact that I was hatched from a bear egg in the middle of a forest and wondered into the nearest town learning as I went, a lot of people call the day I appeared in town my birthday, when in fact the day I hatched was several months earlier. When I explain the story of my extraordinary birth to people they often say "but Sammy you wonderful person, bears don't lay eggs!" and I have to say, have you ever seen one give birth? that's usually enough to sway them, but with this been the internet I went one step further and got this picture as proof:

Amazing. One thing people never ask however when discussing the fact that I originated from a bear egg is how come I'm not a bear? I'd be more bothered about how I've been wearing the same purple skirt for 20 odd years without it getting too small or dirty personally...

Oh well....

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Doesn't Turtlebrow sound like a beer?

I made this in 30 seconds after reading this story over at One Sentence. I couldn't help but think "Yes... yes they do!"

Friday, 30 January 2009

Guess that tune!

I was tempted to call this "Who's that pokemon?" but I thought its highly likely I'll want to use that title again at some point. Look at the image and guess the name of the tune! Give yourself a gold star and a hug for getting the artist and the title, if you only get one of them, only give yourself either a gold star or a hug.

you can also check the file name on the image, but doing that will win you nothing but shame.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

I am a Chocobo!


How ace and or scary would a Godzilla sized Chocobo be?

(Click for big on the image)

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

I Hate Neelix

Quick post just to point out that I really don't like Neelix, it's a funny kind of hate, because well, I can't think of any reason to justify it apart from he's happy all the damn time (well, that's enough reason to dislike most people in my opinion). So I guess until I can update this post with a proper reason as to why I can't stand him I'll just leave a little list:

  • He's happy -all- the time.
  • His stupid, stupid hair that looks like an over grown yard brush.
  • He's completely useless to the point that crew members invent jobs for him to do to save him from feeling useless.
  • ...I mean, his girlfriend or whatever managed to find a half useful thing to do and she was like what? 3 years old or something.
  • Neelix is essentially just a butlins employee.
  • The best episode I remember him in was the one where he died and I went "yes! fsck you Neelix!" and he basically whined his way through that one until someone made up something for him to do, scare off imaginary monsters, I think it was.
I guess I can praise the man however for giving me someone to shout at or laugh at when ever he does something wrong.